Year of Eastwood #43

Blood Work (2002)

Starring: Eastwood
Directed by Eastwood

Clint is in full old-man pants hiked up to the chest mode in Blood Work, a forgettable murder mystery from a few years ago which garnered attention from nearly no one when it was released. Clint seemed to settle into the old guy routine following Unforgiven, but that hasn’t stopped him from casting young ladies as his love interests. This time, the lady must be at least 30 years younger than Clint but that doesn’t stop her from jumping in bed with him even though he’s got her sister’s heart in his chest … oops, got ahead of myself there.

So Clint starts out the movie chasing down a serial killer thru the streets, probably jumping some rooftops and knocking over a few fruit stands … but when it comes time to scale the chain link gate that always seems to appear out of nowhere in these alleys - Clint’s ticker gives out. He crumbles to the ground and the killer gets away. A few months later, Clint’s got a replacement heart and he seems to be content doing chores around the pig farm.

But then little Miss Hottie Santa Maria Conchita de Marco shows up at his house boat and wants Clint to pay her back for her dead sister’s heart. I guess it’s pretty much a given that she was dead, seeing as though Clint’s got her heart. But not only is she dead, she was murdered. And now Clint feels like the least he can do is find the killer. Plus, he’s been craving some chili rellanos.

Now, it might seem logical that Clint could use some bed rest, what with the major surgery and all. Well not to worry, that’s what Angelica Huston is here for. As Clint’s doctor, she strongly recommends that Clint refrain from certain activities - like lifting boxes over 15 lbs or firing shotguns or taking asphalt dives to avoid speeding cars. But Clint isn’t going to let anything as frivolous as a rib separator stop him from getting the job done. Plus, he’s got the help of his buddy Big Lebowski to drive him around town like Miss Daisy.

The cops don’t want Clint’s help in solving the murder. In what may be the singular worst performance in this Year of Eastwood, Paul Rodriguez cracks some crappy one-liners and nearly gets into fisticuffs with Clint … the man just had a heart transplant and you’re gonna punch him? But Clint doesn’t need any help from the cops, he can find all the information he needs on the internets. Clint using a computer. Well, [Cntrl Alt Del // !!] . The old man is still wondering where his diet cola is after hitting the Tab button. (I got that joke from the Simpsons.)

Turns out, the sister was one of a string of random murders which is maybe not so random after all. The victims all have the same blood type as (gasp) Clint - and the murders were all planned to provide Clint with a viable donor heart. But who would do such a thing? How about the slacker staying in the house boat next to Clint? How about Angelica Huston who seems to have absolutely no other reason for being in this movie?

It’s a tough day when you have to take the car keys away from grandpa. But Clint was reaching an age where it might lead some to conclude that the master was losing his edge. Blood Work surely did nothing to convince these critics otherwise … but Clint was just about to regain his stride in the next few years with Mystic River and Million $$ Baby and I’m sure that new Angelina Jolie movie is finally gonna get some attention for that lady which she’s been lacking so much of lately.