Year of Eastwood #24

Firefox (1982)

Starring: Eastwood
Directed by Eastwood

The 80’s were a magical time of Rubik’s Cubes, big hair, and We Are the World - but there is one figure that dominated the American landscape - Ronald Reagan. The 40th President of the United States (1980-88) blessed us with Voodoo Economics, Iran-Contra, and the End of the Cold War. Whether or not Reagan deserves the credit for the fall of the “evil empire,” he left us with the seminal sound-bite of the decade … Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall.

Clint had his own problems to worry about in the 80‘s. His status as the biggest movie star in the world had taken a beating, so he dabbled a bit in politics as well. Frustrated with the bureaucracy of his home town, Carmel-by-the-Sea, California - Clint decided he’d just take over the city. So in 1986, Clint was elected the Mayor by a whopping 72.5% of the vote. Clint ran his city with an iron fist, even repealing a controversial municipal law that forbade eating ice cream on the sidewalk. Clint decided not to seek re-election, cuz I’m sure he accomplished everything there was to do.

Firefox was released during the heyday of the Cold War. Americans didn’t know much about the Russkies, but we knew that we didn’t trust em. We were left to our own devices to imagine what they were up to over there. Planning and scheming about how to destroy our way of life. Sure, they had more than enough nuclear weapons to blow our country up, but what about those weapons that we didn’t even know about? Like maybe thought-controlled missiles…

Firefox is the codename for a top-secret war plane that travels faster than anything we can imagine - Mach 5 or 6 or something like that which means absolutely nothing to us gravity restricted folk - so why not give it unimaginable fire power? Weapons that lock on to a target and fire just by thinking about blowing it up … now there’s something that would put the fear of God into any flag-waving American. So, we have to put our best man on the job to sneak into Russia and STEAL THAT PLANE. Who possibly would be more prepared to take on such a mission but Clint?

Clint starts out the movie minding his own business … enjoying life in his secluded cabin. There’s no pigs or cows around, so Clint spends his time jogging. I’m sure he puts in about 15-20 miles a day, because anything less would be unClint-like. The government recruits Clint for this secret mission, because, well, he speaks Russian and he’ll fit into the uniform. Clint isn’t too sure cuz he keeps having trouble with ’Nam flashbacks of some really poorly edited footage of this little girl that is superimposed over a fiery background. Clint decides it’s his duty to steal that plane before some Russkie starts thinking about blowing up his cabin.

The first six hours of Firefox is a slow spy, um, thriller as Clint makes his way thru training and sneaking into the Soviet Union. He joins up with some other spies, who end up dead one by one, and Clint has to change identities a few times along the way. It’s a good thing too, cuz those sneaky Russians are always at least two steps behind although they never seem to figure out that Clint just might be there to steal this top secret plane … well not until it’s too late.

Clint steals the Firefox (after a few more spies die) and heads off into the wild, frozen yonder. Cut in between the crappy special effects scenes are hilarious “war room” scenes of English actors with really bad Russian accents arguing and other English actors (the good guys) worrying about Clint.

The final scenes come down to a smack down between Clint in his Firefox and a Russian pilot in his Firefox. The special effects were done by one of the geniuses behind the Star Wars effects and curiously the final battle takes place in a frozen ravine in the Siberian tundra with the two planes zipping around like a couple of X-wing fighters. There’s even a wise old voice in Clint’s head that advices him to think in Russian. Use the force, Clint.

taz vs. kelly

Year of Eastwood #23

Coogan's Bluff (1968)

Starring: Eastwood
Directed by Don Siegel

Hey skirt-chasers … Do you find yourself in a strange, new town and want to know the best ways to meet the ladies? In your own element, you got no problems getting action, what with your rugged good looks, fancy cowboy hat, and pointy boots. The ladies seem to moan and swoon when you walk in the room. But in the big city, those honeys are more sophistimicated and you can’t seem to get your groove on - almost like, I dunno, you’re some kind of fish out of water. Well fellers, hang on to your 10 gallons, cuz have I got a deal for you…

Clint’s Guide on How to Pick Up Chicks while Chasing Down a Felon in NYC:

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1. When meeting a sweet, professional dame, suggesting a home-made spaghetti dinner is a must. That way while she’s in the kitchen doing her thing, you have plenty of time to search thru her files to find the information you need.

2. Practice your conversation skills. It’s important to develop your own style, but staples like “Nobody calls me Mister with my boots off.” never fail.

3. Not sure if that $3 whore wants to take off your pants or take your wallet? Give her a good boot in the ass - she’s a dime a dozen in this city.

4. Meet a nice hippie chick concerned about a little green worm squirming around in her head … nothing that a good 10 minutes of hardcore pounding won’t cure.

5. Got a crazy babe knocking at your door because you’ve been screwing aforementioned hippies - tell her it’s 4:00 in the morning and you’ve got work to do in the morning … she’ll be back.

6. Got a little sweetie in your office you want to get to know better? Just grab her boob. What’s she gonna do about it anyways? Sexual harassment, that’s for ugly people. Besides, you know she wants it.

7. Don’t be afraid to show her your sensitive side. Throw her down on the couch … extra points for distance. Let her know you abhor violence against women. Punch a hole in that wall instead of cracking her in her pretty, little face.

8. A woman’s gotta know her place. If you’ve explained to her that it’s over, and she still cuts up your housekeeper and comes after you with a knife, it’s okay to punch her off a cliff (sorry, that’s an important lesson from a different movie).

9. Show your lady that you’re a big spender. She’ll be impressed by the little things like if you tip a cab driver a nickel or if you’re staying at a swanky $7 a night hotel.

10. Chicks dig the squint.

Year of Eastwood #22

The Eiger Sanction (1975)

Starring: Eastwood, George Kennedy
Directed by Eastwood

Eiger Sanction is a cult classic among the Eastwoodies out there. Difficult to take too seriously, this campy Clint classic is a whacked-out, James Bond type international thriller with so many holes in the story that you could drive an ice pick right through it. Resplendent with all the Clint swagger, he really goes all out and has a helluva good time playing a CIA agent (oops, guess it’s not really the CIA but some made-up C2 agency).

During his down-time from world intrigue, Clint is an art professor at a prestigious university. The students really seem to dig him - giving him standing ovations at the end of his lectures - of course, all the young co-eds make with the goo-goo eyes and offer to perform some extra credit after class. What with all the headlines lately with teachers running off to Mexico with students, Clint knows better and suggests that the young gals go home and snuggle up with their art history book instead.

Clint is content to be retired from the high-stakes spy game, instead enjoying life admiring his high price art collection he keeps in his basement. Well, one day a really aggressive headhunter stops by his office to recruit Clint back into his old line of work. Clint slaps him around but still decides to make a visit to his old boss, the absolute definitive albino, that heads up the C2. It really makes you wonder how this guy - who is so sensitive to light and sound that his office is a sealed chamber with ultra-red lighting - ever got to his lofty position as director of C2? Did he work his way up from the mailroom? Maybe it was nepotism ...

After some witty banter, Clint decides to take on one last sanction - an action against an aggressive move by the enemy - or in other words, assassinate the dudes that killed one of their agents. Clint infiltrates the enemy’s high security fortress (he climbs thru an open window) and kills his target. On the flight home, he meets up with a sassy, funk-tastic stewardess named Jemima - well it doesn’t take Clint long to put the wood to her. But she double-crosses Clint and next thing you know, he’s on board for another sanction. This one to take place during a mountain hike up the Eiger, part of the Swiss Alps.

I’m exhausted already and the movie isn’t even half way done yet … so Clint - who by the way also found time to be an accomplished mountain climber in his spare time - heads off to his old buddy George’s first-rate climbing facility, which due to fiscal constraints now operates as a swinger’s club. We all know there’s good money to be made from swinging. Clint and George trade quips in between training scenes with a little fitness hottie. Clint screws her and then she goes all psycho on him with an injection needle. Then one of Clint’s adversaries shows up in all his Liberace glory. Clint steals his dog and leaves him in the desert to die.

We haven’t even gotten to the freakin’ mountain yet … so Clint heads off to Switzerland with George to meet up with the mountain climbing team - one of whom is an assassin. Somehow this top-notch intelligence agency has determined that the killer is part of this team but they can’t figure out which one exactly. The only clue that they’ve been able to determine is the killer walks with a limp. For some other, no doubt, logical reason, it is determined that the only way to kill the guy is during this expedition. At one point, Clint mentions that maybe the mountain will do the job for him ... or you could wait at the bottom of the hill and shoot him in the head when he gets off the ski lift.

So Clint heads up the mountain with a German, an Austrian, and a Frenchman (no punch line coming) and after a bunch of falling rocks and sliding on ice - all of the guys end up dead and Clint is hanging off a cliff desperately clinging onto his rope. George shows up, suddenly displaying a mysterious limp, to save Clint … or will he?

Eiger Sanction is definitely from that category ... so-bad-it’s-good movie. With it’s over the top storyline and shaggy 70’s groove, the entire movie is craptacular. Keeping up with his tough-guy image, of course Clint does all of his own stunts - in and out of the bed. This might be one of the best Clint movies yet.

Year of Eastwood #21

Pink Cadillac (1989)

Starring: Eastwood, Bernadette Peters
Directed by Buddy Van Horn

Can Clint do comedy? This question seems to have mixed results. Clint had success with Hey Lookout for That Monkey but critics didn’t appreciate his down-home style of humor. The rest of Clint’s attempts at comedy follow the same guidelines … a lot of stereotypes, a few fart jokes, and Clint playing off his image as a tough, bad ass.

Action stars have a hard time making that transition to comedies, but dagnabbit if they don’t keep trying. Stallone had Stop! or my mom will do something. Arnold tried it with that one where he got pregnant. Harrison Ford did something where he was trapped on an island with a lesbian. Bruce Willis kinda flipped it by being funny on Moonlighting before the Die Hard, um, quadrology (?) - although I’m having trouble thinking of any funny movies he’s made since then.

Pink Cadillac tries to mix it up with a little bit of comedy thrown into the blender with some action. Nothing really funny to speak of in this movie, although to Clint’s credit - he is the funniest thing in this clunker. Clint is a “skip tracer” or a modern day bounty hunter. He gets to break out a few wacky characters as he fools these chumps on the run. But when his next job is to track down the bubbly Bernadette, he gets more than he bargained for … or at least I’m sure that’s what the trailer promised.

Bernadette has a lot of hair. Rumor has it that it even had its own agent. Bernadette sure is cute, but despite her place in my heart for The Jerk, she just isn’t that interesting as an actress. The movie just plods along and both actors don’t really seem that invested in making this a good movie.

Clint and Permadette ride around in the pink Cadillac running from her husband’s gang of racist baddies. Then Permadette and Clint ride around in the pink Cadillac chasing after the bad guys. Somewhere in there's some stuff about a baby that nobody seems too concerned about. A person might wonder how she got involved with a guy that hangs around a bunch of white extremists ... she says she thought she was getting James Dean but all she got was amphetamines. That's the jokes, people.

Nothing screams comedy like a bunch of white supremacists. These guys really play it out like their doing freakin' Shakespeare - digging down deep for their craft. What do you suppose those casting calls are like for roles like these? Were they really hoping to get their big break by playing a racist in Pink Cadillac? Is that a role you spend much time researching? Do you encourage family members to click on your link on imdb.com?

Looking back at Clint’s acting career, the 80’s were a pretty rough time for this superstar. It started out with Any Which Way You Can and he wrapped up the decade with this flop which ranks as one of Clint’s least successful films at the box office. One can only imagine that Clint’s career would have continued it’s downward slide if he didn’t have Unforgiven in his back pocket. But hey, Clint did get to put on a gold lamet jacket and a swanky fake mustache for this movie.